Thursday, January 21, 2010

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Tale of two Nuns

There were two nuns... 

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), 

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). 

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. 

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 

SM: It's not working. 

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and 
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 

Then Sister Logical arrives. 

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! 
Tell me what happened! 

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me 

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 

SM: And? 

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me 

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. 

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. 
  
SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. 
   
 
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you! 

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Rumahtangga Hilang Perencah Kata

Rumahtangga Hilang Perencah Kata
Abu Saif | 23/10/2009 | 8:26 pm | 10,100 views | Print Print | Email


"Assalamualaikum," sang suami memberi salam tatkala menjengah di muka pintu usai pulang daripada kerja.

"Waalaikum al-salaam. Abang tolong petik suis kipas tu," jawab si isteri yang sedang membedakkan anaknya.

Wajah suami menjadi kelat.

Suis dipetik, tetapi cerianya di muka pintu tadi terbang melayang.

"Ina sakit kepalalah. Agaknya sebab kopi yang Ina minum petang tadi. Banyak kafien," adu sang isteri sambil memicit-micit kepalanya.

"Ayang ada nampak tak butang baju melayu abang? Rasanya semalam abang letak di atas almari ini," jawab si suami, dengan soalan yang bukan jawapan.

Si isteri bangun dengan air muka yang berubah, sambil teraba-raba mengeluarkan butang baju melayu suami daripada simpanan.

SEMUSIM TELAH BERLALU

Dialog seperti ini tidak melintas kehidupan pasangan yang masih berinai di jari. Tatkala itu, bicaranya panjang-panjang. Selang seminit ada sahaja gurau senda yang memecah tawa. Itu seni berbual di musim bulan madu.

Tetapi selepas masa berlalu, perbualan menjadi semakin ringkas dan isi-isinya lebih banyak bersangkutan dengan rutin harian berbanding butir-butir baru yang menambah warna hubungan antara suami dan isteri. Jika dahulu, had 160 karakter pada SMS itu menambah sulit untuk pesan-pesan dihantar antara dua pasangan yang bercinta, kini 160 karakter itu sering sahaja berbaki. Bukan kerana banyak ringkasan ejaan, tetapi banyak ringkasan pesan.

Ada kalanya perkembangan seperti ini tidak disedari berlaku di antara suami dan isteri. Mereka membiarkan sahaja perbualan sesama mereka hilang kemanisan dan kemesraan. Sebaliknya berasa cukup selesa dengan tercapainya matlamat-matlamat harian, dan tercegah daripada pergaduhan yang kebetulannya sering mencelah hubungan mereka semasa beranak satu dahulu, berbanding sekarang.

Seorang isteri mahu pun suami harus bertanya, apakah isi kandungan kata-kata hariannya kepada pasangan?

Arahan?

Suruhan?

Permintaan?

Larangan?

Kritikan?

MINIT-MINIT PENENTU

Selepas berpisah separuh hari kerana komitmen kerja, memilih perkataan yang betul sebagai pemula bicara di minit-minit awal pertemuan amat penting. Tetapi setelah 12 jam tidak bertemu, dan kalimah yang menyambut pertemuan ialah 'arahan' biar pun arahan itu logik, perlu, dan tidak mempunyai apa-apa niat yang tidak baik, ia tetap tabiat yang mampu menghambarkan hubungan perkahwinan.

"Assalamualaikum," kata suami semasa isteri membuka pintu kereta.

"Waalaikum al-Salaam. Amboi cerianya muka abang. Ada berita baikkah?" jawab si isteri, beserta kenyataan yang memperlihatkan kepekaannya 'membaca' suami.

"Oh, tiada apa-apa. Projek abang dah siap. Berita baiknya, balik ke rumah hari ini dengan kepala kosong. Tenang" balas suami. Bijak mewujudkan 'berita baik' walaupun mungkin tidak terfikir mengenainya untuk dikongsi bersama isteri semasa terperangkap di kesesakan jalan raya tadi.

"Baguslah. Tidaklah nanti mengigau-ngigau di malam hari. Abang kalau runsingkan sesuatu sampai bercakap dalam tidur, tau" tambah si isteri.

Perbualan itu berterusan dan ia amat berkesan dalam menghilangkan rasa letih bekerja sepanjang hari kedua-duanya. Si suami biar pun sudah 10 tahun berumahtangga, sering mahu bersegera bertemu dengan isteri kerana yakin bakal terhibur dengan celoteh yang menenangkan diri setelah diasak bebanan tugas semenjak pagi. Isteri juga tersenyum-senyum berdiri di bawah redup bumbung pejabat kerana perbualan semalam bersama suami terasa bagai mahu disambung lagi.

DIALOG PEROSAK

Berbeza sekali kesan perbualan pasangan berikut ini:

"Assalamualaikum. Lama tunggu?" tanya suami kepada isteri setelah tiba lewat sedikit akibat traffic jam .

"Wa 'alaikum al-Salam. Biasa aje. Abang jom pergi kedai sekejap. Tadi bibik sms, katanya sabun mandi anak sudah habis," jawab isteri, beserta 'permintaan'.

"Ok," jawab suami, benar-benar ringkas.

"Letih betullah di tempat kerja tadi. Minggu depan ada pemeriksaan ISO. Habis semua orang dikerah bos supaya menyediakan laporan. Rasa bengkak tangan ini dibuatnya," kata isteri sambil menunjukkan tangannya.

Suami hanya menjeling di hujung mata.

"Jadi minggu depan, you balik kerja lewatlah ya?" tanya suami.

Soalannya langsung tidak mempunyai sebarang indikasi yang menunjukkan kepeduliannya terhadap bengkak tangan si isteri.

"Agaknya" balas isteri.

Suami terus memerhatikan trafik.

Isteri pula merenung jauh ke luar tingkap.

Hanya hilai tawa DJ radio sahaja yang memecah hening sepi di dalam kereta.

Kedua-duanya sedang membunuh kasih sayang mereka tanpa sedar, tatkala bicara masing-masing gersang dari sebarang emosi dan usaha yang bisa menyuburkan cinta. Mereka tidak bergaduh, tetapi menyediakan tapak untuk perang dingin yang membingungkan.

RAFAS DAN JANGAN RAFAS

Pernahkah kita terfikir mengapa di dalam suasana-suasana tertentu, kita dilarang daripada mengungkapkan kata-kata atau melakukan sebarang perbuatan yang dikategorikan sebagai rafas di dalam al-Quran dan al-Sunnah? Bagi mereka yang berada di dalam ihram, atau yang sedang berpuasa khususnya di bulan Ramadhan, larangan terhadap unsur rafas itu diulang berkali-kali.

Rafas ini adalah perkataan atau perbuatan yang bersangkut paut dengan seks, bermula daripada cakap-cakap dan tindak tanduk hinggalah membawa kepada menggauli pasangan.

Jika negatif ia bernama lucah.

Jika positif ia bermaksud intim.

Kedua-duanya harus dielak tatkala sedang berihram atau berpuasa kerana kondisi masing-masing yang sedang 'terbatas'.

Tetapi ketika suami dan isteri tidak berihram mahu pun berpuasa, 'berrafaslah' kamu antara satu sama lain!

Ia tidak sama sekali bermaksud melucahkan perkataan atau perbuatan. Tetapi apa yang diperlukan dalam hubungan suami isteri adalah kata-kata dan perbuatan yang intim serta menerbitkan rasa cinta.

HAMBAR DAN HILANG 'SENSE OF HUMOR'

Seandainya suami yang balik bekerja, mengajak isteri berbual tentang pandangannya berkaitan dengan perkembangan Papan Kedua Bursa Saham Kuala Lumpur, atau gosip ekonomi di saluran Bloomberg, di manakah saluran untuk terbitnya rasa cinta dan mesra antara pasangan berkenaan?

Mungkin pandangan ini lebih perlu ditegaskan kepada pasangan-pasangan yang bertemu jodoh di medan dakwah. Kita pasti, ramai daripada kalangan aktivis dakwah yang berkahwin adalah di atas faktor-faktor yang tinggi, dan bukan didorong oleh kecantikan isteri, atau ketampanan suami.

Tetapi, biar pun perkahwinan itu bukan kerana kecantikan, janganlah sampai sang suami langsung tidak pernah menghargai kecantikan isteri.

"Abang, cantik tak baju raya saya ni?" tanya si isteri yang baru membeli baju raya dengan warna sedondon baju raya suami yang telah ditempah lebih awal.

"Hmm…" jawab si suami, langsung tidak menampakkan sebarang emosi.

Lebih teruk lagi, jika usaha isteri untuk berhias, diperlekeh pula oleh si suami.

"Ok la, berbanding dengan nangka berbalut kain batik di pokok tu!" kata suami.

Aduh, hancur hati isteri mendengarnya.

Sama jugalah dengan sang isteri. Andaikata perkahwinan yang dibina tiada kena mengena dengan soal paras rupa sekali pun, berilah galakan kepada suami untuk berhias. Tidaklah sampai bersolek pula, tetapi cukuplah dengan memakai pakaian yang kemas, rambut bersikat, janggut dikemaskan, bulu ketiak dan kuku dipotong, serta tubuh badannya diberi galakan agar maintain dan tidak terlalu membesar.

TELADAN NABAWI

Pernah di suatu ketika, terdapat sebuah kisah yang disampaikan oleh 'Abbas al-'Aqad di dalam 'Abqariah al-Siddiq berkenaan dengan sebuah syair yang telah dihafal oleh 'Aisyah radhiyallaahu 'anha. Syair berkenaan dipelajari oleh 'Aisyah daripada bapanya Abu Bakr al-Siddiq radhiyalaahu 'anhu.

"Suatu hari ketika cuaca begitu panas terik, Rasulullah sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam memperbaiki kasut baginda. Di dahi baginda sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam mengalir peluh hingga ke pipi. Ketika itu 'Aisyah mampir dan memerhatikan baginda dari dekat, seolah-olah beliau teringatkan sesuatu.

Lalu Rasulullah sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam bertanya, "Apakah hal yang menyebabkan engkau tercengang?"

'Aisyah menjawab, "Diriku merenung wajahmu, dan keringat yang mengalir itu menerbitkan kilauan yang menakjubkan diriku. Sekiranya Abu Kabir al-Hazli melihatmu, pastilah dia tahu bahawa engkaulah orang yang paling berhak ke akan syairnya."

Baginda bertanya lagi, "apakah yang dia katakan?"

'Aisyah menjawab dengan lantunan syair:

Tidak berbekas padanya (kebudak-budakan) susuan ibu atau sakit yang melarat
Jika engkau memandang kepada wajahnya yang berseri-seri
Bercahaya bagaikan kilatan petir yang menyambar


Baginda Rasulullah sallallaahu tatkala mendengar syair itu melepaskan apa yang ada di tangan Baginda, bangun lalu mencium dahi 'Aisyah dan berkata, "kemanisan apa yang telah engkau ungkapkan, adalah lebih mengujakan berbanding pandangan peluhku berbekas kepada dirimu!" [Lihat juga Rahmat-ul-lil-Aalameen: jilid 2, ms. 153]

Catatan itu begitu indah pada menggambarkan keintiman hubungan di antara Uswah Hasanah kita dengan isterinya. Bagaimana 'Aisyah menggunakan kuasa kata-kata syair yang indah untuk memuji suaminya yang kepenatan bekerja, manakala suami pula menunjukkan penghargaan tertinggi kepada usaha itu lantas membalasnya dengan ciuman mesra di kening sang isteri.

Tidak hairanlah pada titis peluh pun boleh ada sinar cinta!

Keindahan Rumahtangga Nabawi itu bukan dicampakkan Allah daripada Syurga tanpa harga. Ia datang bersama usaha Rasulullah sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam dan isteri baginda pada menimbulkan perasaan cinta dan kasih sayang yang membawa ke Jannah.

Justeru bagi para suami dan isteri yang sudah masuk sedekad mengharung kehidupan, hitungkanlah kata-kata dan perbuatan seharianmu. Apakah ia baja menyubur cinta, atau bahang kemarau gersang.

Bertindak sebelum terlambat.

Mencegah lebih indah daripada mengubat.

Hambar kata mendingin rasa, perang tanpa berkasar suara, sebelum tiba malang dan petaka, beringat-ingatlah meniti usia.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Euphemisms for "stupid"

Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions...

* A few clowns short of a circus

* A few fries short of a Happy Meal

* An experiment in artificial stupidity

* A few beers short of a six pack

* Dumber than a box of hair

* A few peas short of a casserole

* Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box

* The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

* One taco short of a combination plate

* A few feathers short of a whole duck

* All foam, no beer

* The cheese slid off his cracker

* Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

* Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

* Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

* Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

* He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

Better things that didn't work

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.

For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother.

And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory Soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.

And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is NOT your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you-tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, its the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen.
Sealed with a kiss.
If you are my friend,
please answer this.

Are we friends
or are we not?
You told me once,
but I forgot.

So tell me now.
And tell me true.
So I can say...
I'm here for you.

Of all the friends that I've met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Send this to all of your friends who mean the most to you.

We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.

Paul Harvey

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE

Falling in love.

Laughing so hard your face hurts.

A hot shower.

No lines at the Super Walmart.

A special glance.

Getting mail.

Taking a drive on a scenic road.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

Hot towels out of the dryer.

Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

Chocolate milkshake.

A long distance phone call.

A bubble bath

Giggling.

A good conversation.

The beach.

Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter

Laughing at yourself.

Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

Running through sprinklers.

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

Laughing at an inside joke.

Friends.

Falling in love for the first time.

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

Your first kiss

Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

Playing with a puppy.

Late night talks with your roommate

Having someone play with your hair.

Sweet dreams.

Hot chocolate.

Road trips with friends.

Swinging on swings.

Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love

Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

Going to a really good concert.

Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

Making chocolate chip cookies!

Hugging the person you love.

Watching the expression someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

Watching the sunrise

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

TOP TEN REASONS TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A RAISE

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

A Simple Act of Love

When I was growing up, my father always stopped what he was doing and listened while I'd breathlessly fill him in on my day. For him, no subject was off-limits. When I was a lanky and awkward 13, Dad coached me on how to stand and walk like a lady. At 17 and madly in love, I sought his advice on pursuing a new student at school. "Keep the conversation neutral," he counseled. "And ask him about his car." I followed his suggestions and gave him daily progress reports: "Terry walked me to my locker!" Guess what? Terry held my hand!" Dad! He asked me out!" Terry and I went steady for over a year, and soon Dad was joking, "I can tell you how to get a man; the hard part is getting rid of him."

By the time I graduated from college, I was ready to spread my wings. I got a job teaching special education at a school in Coachella, California, a desert town about 170 miles from home. It was no dream job. Low-income housing across the street from the school was a haven for drug users. Street gangs hung around the school after dark. Many of my charges, emotionally disturbed 10-to 14-year-old boys, had been arrested for shoplifting, car theft or arson. "Be careful," Dad warned me during one of my frequent weekend visits home. He was concerned about my living alone, but I was 23, enthusiastic and naive, and I needed to be on my own. Besides, teaching jobs were tight in 1974, and I felt lucky to have one. "Don't worry," I reassured him, as I loaded up the car to start my trip back to the desert and my job.

Several evenings later I stayed after school to rearrange my classroom. Finished, I turned out the light and closed the door. Then I headed toward the gate. It was locked! I looked around. Everyone - teachers, custodians, secretaries - had gone home and, not realizing I was still there, stranded me on the school grounds. I glanced at my watch - it was almost 6 p.m. I had been so engrossed in my work that I hadn't noticed the time. After checking all the exits, I found just enough room to squeeze under a gate in the rear of the school. I pushed my purse through first, lay on my back and slowly edged through. I retrieved my purse and walked toward my car, parked in a field behind the building. Eerie shadows fell across the schoolyard. Suddenly, I heard voices. I glanced around and saw at least eight high-school-age boys following me. They were half a block away. Even in the near darkness I could see they were wearing gang insignia.

"Hey!" one called out. "You a teacher?" "Nah, she's too young - must be an aide!" another said. As I walked faster, they continued taunting me. "Hey! She's kinda cute!" Quickening my pace, I reached into my shoulder bag to get my key ring. If I have the keys in my hands, I thought, I can unlock the car and get in before...My heart was pounding. Frantically, I felt all over the inside of my handbag. But the key ring wasn't there! "Hey! Let's get the lady!" one boy shouted. Dear Lord, please help me, I prayed silently. Suddenly, my fingers wrapped around a loose key in my purse. I didn't even know if it was for my car, but I took it out and clutched it firmly. I jogged across the grass to my car and tried the key. It worked! I opened the door, slid in and locked it - just as the teenagers surrounded the car, kicking the sides and banging on the roof. Trembling, I started the engine and drove away. Later, some teachers went back to the school with me. With flashlights, we found the key ring on the ground by the gate, where it had fallen as I slid through.

When I returned to my apartment, the phone was ringing. It was Dad. I didn't tell him about my ordeal; I didn't want to worry him. "Oh, I forgot to tell you!" he said. "I had an extra car key made and slipped it into your pocketbook - just in case you ever need it." Today, I keep that key in my dresser drawer and treasure it. Whenever I hold it in my hand, I am reminded of all the wonderful things Dad has done for me over the years. I realize that, although he is now 68 and I am 40, I still look to him for wisdom, guidance and reassurance. Most of all, I marvel at the fact that his thoughtful gesture of making the extra key may have saved my life. And I understand how a simple act of love can make extraordinary things happen.
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